I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
