Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
