We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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