Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
