The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She's the barista slut.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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