Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
