Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
