did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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