Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
