I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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