Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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