he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
