Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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