I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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