Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
