I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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