My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
