very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I want her autograph on my taint
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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