dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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