She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
