The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
