this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
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Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
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If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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