After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
