So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
