I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
