I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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