he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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