Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
