Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
