I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
from now on my penis is your penis
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
