nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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