a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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