i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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