I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
