He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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