pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
