Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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