I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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