Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
