And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
