I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
