Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
