I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
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