i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
