So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
