I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I need moral support for this bender
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
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