My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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