i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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