life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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