his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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