When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
