Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
