you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
