I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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