franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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