dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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