You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
