Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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