Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
