Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
